My Memoirs, Age 4 (Parents magazine)

This is from an article I just read in my Parents magazine. It was written by Jason Good for the July 2013 issue and is freaking HILARIOUS! I couldn’t find it online anywhere, but wanted to grab some bits and pieces that relate flabbergastingly well to the Brunner household. Enjoy some of these lines from this amusing article from the perspective of, say, Coen (and every other four-year-old boy in the world today):

coen

“Apparently, I can eat all the broccoli I want because it has vitamins, but if I want to stuff my face with just (gummy) vitamins everyone acts like I’ve lost my mind. I would eat cheddar bunnies instead, but unfortunately my dad scarfs them all at midnight while watching HGTV like some depressed tween. You’re 40, and that’s way too old to eat anything in the shape of an animal that isn’t an animal. Instead of peppering me with annoying questions, you should just turn on the TV. Seriously. When I’m watching television I’m totally Zen and in the moment. Just leave it on all the time.”

“Whenever I yell for my dad to get me ham or come outside to push me on the swing for three hours, he gets annoyed. It’s either because I refuse to wear sunscreen or that I’m interrupting him from staring at his phone. I don’t know what he’s doing on that thing, but he loves it more than my little brother loves my mom’s boob.”

(referencing his little brother) “That kid is an animal. I’m honestly frightened of him. If he throws one more yogurt squeezer at my face, I’m calling a social worker. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s fun to get crazy with him and tear up important tax documents, but a guy like me also needs some solo time building a Lego tower without a cackling maniac in a diaper going all Godzilla on it.”

“We have three cats. There’s an orange one named Oliver who my brother loves to sit on. I yell, ‘Arlo, NO!” but my mom and dad get mad and say, ‘Don’t yell at Arlo!” Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Next time I’ll just ignore him when he uses the cat as a beanbag chair.”

“It’s chaos, and I think we need some kind of family whisperer. They’re yelling about where the keys are and trying to remember if my brother has pooped or not and where the green sippy cup is and Zzzzzzz – I totally just fell asleep. Meanwhile, I’m standing there…is someone going to put on my shoes? I mean, I can do it myself, but I don’t feel like it right now. Usually I just hang out by the door in one sock yelling, ‘Let’s GO!’ Mom gets crazy and dad becomes quiet and takes deep breaths until she yells at him to help her. Eventually one of them puts on my shoes for me but does it really fast like they’re mad and that usually makes me want to stay home.”

(referencing his little brother eating a lollipop) “Mom gives him one, he licks it twice, then bites it off and chomps on it. I told you he was an animal. Meanwhile, I’m licking mine like I belong in civilized society. he gets jealous and starts crying again, so my dad says, ‘Hey buddy, could you go finish that in the basement so your brother can’t see it?’ WHAT?! Now I’m being banished to the cellar because that spaz can’t control himself around candy? I just stand there, staring at him, slowly licking my delicious lollipop and turning my body away whenever he reaches for it. Then I start running away from him and my mom starts yelling because – STOP THE PRESSES – apparently the WORST thing you can do in the world is run with a lollipop in your mouth. It’s not a grenade, for crying out loud.”

Relatable? Um, yes. Check out more articles at parents.com.

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4 thoughts on “My Memoirs, Age 4 (Parents magazine)

  1. Angey Grotberg says:

    I have it scanned on my computer, I can send it to you! I loved it! So frickin hilarious!

    • Adriane says:

      Could you send this to me also? I read it in the doctor’s office today in Parents magazine and was searching for it online, I would love for my husband to read it. Thank you!

  2. Claudia says:

    I thought this was pretty hilarious as well and was looking for it.

  3. Ana Cosic says:

    I loved that article and I also tried to find it online so I can share it with my momm online community, but nothing. Parents magazine online is not to friendly 😦

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