Sir Isaac Newton theorized the law of gravity in 1687. Socks were invented in the 8th century. Chimps have been around since the beginning of time, probably busy hanging out with Eve in God’s big garden. Eve got pregnant. The lucky girl never had to worry about socks…or gravity, for that matter. She probably just sauntered about the orchards in all her naked glory, oblivious to the fact that she couldn’t bend over to pick up apples or pet the passing chimps. To her, being the first woman and all, nothing was worth noticing, and certainly not worth complaining about. Well, Eve fans, it’s 2009 and socks and shoes and dustpans and rugs and tight pant legs and toenail polish have all been invented since her day, so I’m going to complain about the frustrating lack of balance and grace that consume today’s pregnant woman…and why men and chimps got off easy. Stupid natural selection.
Today I toppled. Twice, actually – once this morning in the shower trying to shave my legs and once more tonight in an attempt to crawl into my pajamas. There is this Everest-like monstrosity in my way nowadays that won’t allow me to see my feet and threatens my safety and well-being whenever I bend over to put on a simple pair of socks. Newton explained his law of gravity as: “Every point mass attracts every other point mass by a force pointing along the line intersecting both points.” Um, what? If that’s the case, my stomach is the point mass, and it’s attracted to the other point mass called the floor! I just can’t do it. It’s unnatural.
Or is it? Apparently, women get the privilege of tightrope walking their way through the birthing process because we, and only we, have the structural architecture for such a rigorous challenge. Yup. Aren’t we lucky? According to softpedia.com, a woman’s lower back and hip bones include a few evolutionary “advantages” that allow us to carry the load of a growing baby without toppling over.
Remember when that study was done about the Barbie doll being so disproportionate that if a live woman were built like that, her boobs would make her fall forward? Well, according to this study, that’s what would happen if men were the ones to get knocked up. Women are the only creatures, including female chimps, that can manage such a chore.
Keep in mind, just because we’re “built that way” does not necessarily mean we’ve perfected it yet. The so-called “survival of the fittest” is still working itself out, so there is always that slight chance that the “weak” will be eliminated because we crack our heads open picking crumbs off the floor. As honored as I am to have that extra vertebrate, or whatever it is exactly that helps me waddle my way through 9 months of belly-bulging awkwardness, it’s not easy. We ladies are taking one for the team!
So, next time you just can not reach the end of your toes to slip that sock on, call in some husband…or monkey…backup. After all, they owe you for populating their planet with a little gravitational accuracy.